I think that the biggest struggle any actor anywhere in the world has to face is that of infamous ‘isms’. Sexism, casteism in the Tamil industry, and the hardest of them all: ageism.
In some ways, many of the unfortunate people of the world have it easy. I know it sounds incredibly glib and horrific but really, it’s natural for most of us to feel justifiably sorry for ourselves when things basically suck. No parents. No love. No security. Ugly-looking. Unintelligent. Horrible siblings (if you have any). Painful girlfriend or boyfriend who beats the crap out of you. Emotional and physical scars.
When life hands it to you that bad, what really happens to you after that is never really your fault, for there are always reasons for your failures that have nothing to do with you. It’s easy to moan and groan and whine about the universe when things have sucked from all possible fronts for as long as you can remember. And even if the world around you gets irritated, you can still get away with it. But what do you do when you have long parents? An understanding girlfriend/wife? How do you deal with your own seemingly unreasonable and adamant behaviour given that people who count, those who matter really, try and stick by you and understand your commitment and passion no matter what? What do you do then? When all that faces you is one monumental failure after the other.
When I lost Bombay, I lost a part of
myself. Losing out of Bombay was one of my biggest losses. It was the first time in my whole life that I did not sleep for a whole week.
How could I? I trusted him a lot. Next one whole month when I was (trying to) sleep I used to get up suddenly. I was in anxiety shock.
What a fool was I to believe it that I would be in that film. I was shooting for another film but I changed my style, cut my hair in order to look neatly but anyway I was jobless. But I was so hurt with what happened I knew it would be a national hit. It was Mani Ratnam was there in his peak not like now. It gave Arvind Swamy the break, which I go in Sethu. My success could have come earlier. Anyway if I told this to someone at that time no one would have believed it. They would not believe it but now people do believe it. It did affect me every time that thought used to bog me down whenever I thought about it.
Feeling was haunting. Heart was weeping. That was the time where my heart broke into pieces. My parents and Shailaja wanted me to leave all this. Now more than eve. The pain, the struggle, the taunts. They wanted me to jump careers instead of suffering all the insults.
But all I knew then was very simple. The sports cars didn’t matter any more. Then fame and adulation were all secondary. I would still accept them all if I ever got it. But my passion for cinema, the desire to make it as an actor took on proportions. I didn’t know I was capable of. I just knew then that this was it. No matter what. I was not going to leave this industry. I was going to stay around and make sure that I made it as an actor.
Boy! Was that easier said that done!
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