Part 51: Let's make things better?

Except the light of three candles there was no other light inside the hall. I realized that there was no power. On the other hand it was so scorching inside though it was November. He was ventilating by using a book so that I could feel good. I just moved and stopped him for a while by taking the book by his hand and said, ‘No need of taking any trouble for me. It’s okay.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah.’

He saw the knife on the table. Fruits were far away from the knife. He asked me if I wanted to eat.

I said, ‘If I want to eat, I will eat.’

Now giving the water bottle to me he asked me if I wanted to drink

I said, ‘If I want to drink, I’ll drink and if I want to leave I’ll leave.’

He just sat there and imitated just the way I had said it soon I began to laugh.

‘So you wanted to laugh, so you laughed?’

‘Not really. But you made me to laugh.’

He rubbed his palms and said, ‘Ishhhh.. It feels so nice... Thank you. Thank you!’

‘Why thanks?’

‘In this life it’s very easy to cry but not so easy to laugh. It feels so nice that I was able to make you to laugh.’

After few seconds silence he questioned, ‘Why you wanted to leave the world?’

I blankly looked at his face. My letter was in his hand. He might have read it already and that’s why might be asking I felt.

‘Sometimes it’s far better to leave than to live.’

‘Athaa yea.. ..(That's what I'm asking.. why)?’

‘The next person to ask me this question will have a broken jaw!’

He provoked me further just to irritate me and I in return throw the pillow I was hanging on. Then I tried to take the letter by his hand. Nodding his head, ‘No. At least let me use this letter as fan!’

I just somehow wanted to take the letter by his hand. That’s why I said, ‘I think its better to go out for a while. I feel sweating.’

‘Yeah, you are right. Let’s go.’ He opened the door and stepped out. I locked the door and a book along with me so that later if needed I could use it as fan. Both of us moved towards the beach, which is very close to our home.

On the way I broke the ice between us ‘Hey, Kenny! .I just couldn’t understand that how did you come inside when the door was not open? But thank God you came or else same thieves would have come. I am fortunate.’

‘Come on! If the door was not open how could I enter? I saw it open so I entered. And I’m also a thief who steals heart.’

‘Yeah, I agree and by the way, you really look very cool.’

‘Thank you!’

I could see his face blushing.

He continued, ‘And in the movie I’m playing the role who is very handsome.’

‘Is that so? Which role?’, I asked curiously.

‘A role of an undertaker!’ He started to chuckle.

I replied with a smile, ‘Got it, you can make people to go crazy even beyond the glamour. And it looks like you have decided to rock again with one more hit.’

‘I’m a struggler. I need a hit again. I’m not a star!’, he said

If there was a grain of disguised vanity there, I missed it.

Both of us sat on the boulder. Unseasonable weather had cooled the weather outside.

‘Kenny! Everyone was saying that you might get national award for the role. What do you think?’

‘In between the shots Bala used to remind me about it. As he said and you say, if I get, I will be happy.’

‘I hope you get it.’

There was almost few minutes’ silence between us. Breaking the silence between us he questioned me. ‘Why did you decide to end your life?’

I straightaway looked at his face and nodded, ‘ Sorry I don’t want to tell.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t state personal things with anyone. Sorry!’

‘Why? Just assume that I am your friend and say, nah?’

‘Hey! Come on. I don’t even know you in person and you want me to share my personal things with you?’

‘Oh!’

‘Look, Kenny. I am not open to every person who comes in my way because experience has taught me that the more I reveal the more I open myself to attack. I’m an introvert who doesn’t have any feelings. That’s why I don’t feel like saying anything.’

‘Oh, I hope you don’t sue me.'

‘What do you mean? Why shall I?’

‘Nothing. Me too an introvert. Don’t talk much. I will be silent always.’, He paused for a while and giggled, then continued, ‘I’m just kidding, okay? I talk a lot. If I get start I will get sit on your head. I’m very friendly.’

‘May be but I’m not and what do you mean by sit on the head? It’s not so easy for anyone to become close with me. I am reserved kind of a person.’

‘And someone who doesn’t want to face things?’

I looked at his face, ‘What do you mean? You mean, I am an escapist?’

‘Or else why did you take such a decision?’, Question was straight to my face.

‘I know that you are coming back to the same point, which I don’t want to tell and you don’t think that I am an escapist okay? You don’t know anything about me”

‘Yes until and unless you tell, how can I?’

‘But why shall I tell all those to you? What’s the use?’

‘At least I can understand or try to make them little better.’

I looked at him and kind of cracked the whip. ‘Better? Haha. There is nothing remained to make better. After all what you can do? Tell me what you can give??? My Sir’s familiarity? My lecturer Shiv’s intimacy? My senior Shivanand’s closeness? My college Rao’s future? My guide Kishanji’s lost life? My happiness? Lost hope? Shattered dreams? Broken beliefs? Faded feelings? Tell me what and all you can bring back? Tell me!’

He was speechless.


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Part 50: He walked in when rest of the world walked out!

I don’t know whether you may or may not be able to resist a patronizing nod or an ‘Oh really?’ smile for the incident which happened in my life that night. First I thought it was just a dream but it was not I can still feel it!

I became conscious when someone sprinkled water on my face and tried dab my cheek very softly to bring me back to consciousness. I tried to react and slowly open my eyes but still felt like the seen around me circumgyrating.

There was probably just blink of an eye in between the most depressed moment and the sinking feeling. In that flash, I heard the rattle of death within me and he was in front of me as to black out that spasm.

I could not see his face clearly bear in mind, as I was too tired and was able to see just a glimpse of him before I closed my eyes. I don’t know from where he appeared suddenly. What I remember is he was sitting before me at a little distance. He was in a cloth of the colour of pure snow. Looked like a cherub.

His face reminds of someone who? Who??? That unassuming face! I have seen him before but where?

??????
Oh my ..!!! Was it Paramhamsa (The master of Swami Vivekananda)?

The thought itself was bristling one. Was he??

Cannot be but why?

Just because of the scarf tied on his forehead!

Was it Lord (Shirdi )Sai baba?? Oh my! I was not able to judge categorically. But I have seen that babyish face.

I tried to open my eyes slowly and look at him. His face before such a calm and screne expression of inwardness born of indifference to all things that I was amazed and felt drawn towards him. He moved towards me slowly and eyes stead fastly fixed on me as if he wanted to say something. But I was seized with fear and could not keep quiet. I tried to speak but could not. I was just able to realize that. I was on a couch and he is sitting very next to me and blandishing my hair. That caress (touch) was so soothing.

His face was so familiar. But I couldn’t recollect his name. I was almost about to ask who are you? But as a surprise he questioned, ‘Hi, Hari! How are you?’

When I was about to ask, ‘Who are you?’, he asked, ‘How are you?’ I don’t know how but suddenly a flash in my mind.

Oh my God! I couldn’t believe the mystifying fact of my life.

‘Oh my God!!! Kenny! Is it you?’

A smile on his face, ‘Yeah, Hari. It’s me!’

‘Oh God .I can’t believe this. It’s like a dream.’

Just a smile was his answer in that silence.

But still I stopped him for a while and questioned him below my breath, ‘Did I call you or speak to you? Why did you come here?’

‘Did I come here without any reason? I felt you called me. And I wanted to see you. That is why I came.’

‘Really? Did I?’ I fell in cogitation.

I was just able to realize that the exhaustion was so great that I was unable to precede a single step further. I cannot say whether I had lost consciousness altogether for sometime then.

I could not understand anything. I found him in a strange mood. He spoke something indistinctly to himself, looked steadfastly at me. I thought another strange scene was going to be enacted. Scarcely had I thought so when he placed his right palm on my forehead, and immediately I had a wonderful experience. I saw with my eyes open that all the things in the room together with the walls were rapidly whirling and receding into an unknown region, and my “I sense” together with the whole universe was, as it were, going to vanish in an all devouring great void. I was then overwhelmed with a terrible fear. I knew that the destruction of the ‘I sense’ was death; so I thought that death was before me, very near at hand, unable to control myself, I cried out loudly, saying, ‘Ah! What is it you have done to me? I have my parents, you know!’

Laughing loudly at my words, he said, ‘Just before few minutes before taking the unusual step of ending your life why did not you think so?’

I was dumbstruck.

With a sweet smile on his face he touched and slowly dabbed on my left cheek by his palm and said, ‘I had to remind that feeling and that’s why I did so let it cease now.’

I was amazed to see how that extraordinary experience of mine vanished as quickly as it had come when he touched me in this manner, speaking those words. I came to the normal state and saw things inside and outside the room standing still as before.

All this took place in a trice, causing so many questions in my mind. The critical and reflective youth that I was, I tried my best to understand how an apparently babyish man could overwhelm my mind and refashion it like a ball of clay could it be mesmerism or hypnotism, of which I had read very much? It could not be, because I was proud of my own intelligence and strong will, and I had.


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