If you keep a drop of tear below the microscope it has so many things to say, only if you have that inner eye to view it! Each drop of tear would say hundreds of stories but who has the time to listen?
I think that the biggest struggle any actor anywhere in the world has to face is that of infamous ‘isms’. Sexism, casteism in the Tamil industry, and the hardest of them all: ageism.
In some ways, many of the unfortunate people of the world have it easy. I know it sounds incredibly glib and horrific but really, it’s natural for most of us to feel justifiably sorry for ourselves when things basically suck. No parents. No love. No security. Ugly-looking. Unintelligent. Horrible siblings (if you have any). Painful girlfriend or boyfriend who beats the crap out of you. Emotional and physical scars.
When life hands it to you that bad, what really happens to you after that is never really your fault, for there are always reasons for your failures that have nothing to do with you. It’s easy to moan and groan and whine about the universe when things have sucked from all possible fronts for as long as you can remember. And even if the world around you gets irritated, you can still get away with it. But what do you do when you have long parents? An understanding girlfriend/wife? How do you deal with your own seemingly unreasonable and adamant behaviour given that people who count, those who matter really, try and stick by you and understand your commitment and passion no matter what? What do you do then? When all that faces you is one monumental failure after the other.
When I lost Bombay, I lost a part of myself. Losing out of Bombay was one of my biggest losses. It was the first time in my whole life that I did not sleep for a whole week.
How could I? I trusted him a lot. Next one whole month when I was (trying to) sleep I used to get up suddenly. I was in anxiety shock.
What a fool was I to believe it that I would be in that film. I was shooting for another film but I changed my style, cut my hair in order to look neatly but anyway I was jobless. But I was so hurt with what happened I knew it would be a national hit. It was Mani Ratnam was there in his peak not like now. It gave Arvind Swamy the break, which I go in Sethu. My success could have come earlier. Anyway if I told this to someone at that time no one would have believed it. They would not believe it but now people do believe it. It did affect me every time that thought used to bog me down whenever I thought about it.
Feeling was haunting. Heart was weeping. That was the time where my heart broke into pieces. My parents and Shailaja wanted me to leave all this. Now more than eve. The pain, the struggle, the taunts. They wanted me to jump careers instead of suffering all the insults.
But all I knew then was very simple. The sports cars didn’t matter any more. Then fame and adulation were all secondary. I would still accept them all if I ever got it. But my passion for cinema, the desire to make it as an actor took on proportions. I didn’t know I was capable of. I just knew then that this was it. No matter what. I was not going to leave this industry. I was going to stay around and make sure that I made it as an actor.
At this point it was nearly five years since I had begun my filmy journey. And people were hard-pressed to even know that I existed. Whereas others like Vijay and Murali and Ajith and so many others were making films and succeeding.
What else could I do? I mean what else did I know? Apart from that one year at Lintas, I had no experience in anything else except the world of cinema. What would I do? Learn computer software? BASIC and COBOL? Just the mere thought was boring!
Mean while Balumahendra Sir called me for the movie ‘Raman Abdulla’. He asked for bulk dates. And I had to give those dates, which was quite impossible.
I couldn’t do anything as I was doing Vikraman’s ‘Pudiya mannargal’. It was only half the way, and the shooting was stopped.
Everyone told me that at some point you have to let go. Before it got too late. The time had come. I saw some point in everyone’s argument. They all had my well-being at heart after all.
I listened to them. And told them seriously to go take a hike!
That was when Mani Ratnam called. For the Bombay screen test. And I walked around smug. I met him thrice. It was worth the wait.
And suddenly the sniggers stopped.
The questions evaporated.
In Chennai you have ‘arrived’ if you as much as even tested form him. And here I was, on the verge of being signed by him as the hero.
It was my turn. I just knew it. How could I go wrong now? I would be acting in Ratnam’s first film in Hindi. Opposite the hot ‘n’ happening Manisha Koirala!
I was on cloud nine. I was not in a mood to have food or to sleep. After all how could I?
I was so happy. Didn’t have food or good sleep out of happiness.
I went to the photo shoot, me, and Manisha Koirala. Morning the photo shoot was for me and in the evening it was for Manisha. Till the date when it comes to photo shoot I get tensed. If it is video camera I don’t bother. In front of a mo
vie camera, when the director says ‘action’, I can barely hold myself back. I mean, I can cry, get mad and fell pain. At will. But in a photo shoot, where I have to ‘hold’ on to a feeling, I never can manage. Being fluid is easy. Being still has always been and still is so bloody hard.
I had beard back then. Mani Ratnam said that I should shave my beard. The beard was necessary for one of the films I was acting, it was shot only half way, and the shooting was stopped. If I shaved, then it would have affected the film.
What I heard from everyone was Mani Sir liked me a lot. I was told that he would call me any time now and tell me about the schedule and other details.
Till that time I was able to reach Mani Sir easily. Thereafter I could not reach him at all.
Whenever I called to talk to him they used to say, “Oh ! Just now he left.” I know how much I tried to contact him.
Very promptly my heart thuds. I am so excited. Blood rushes to my ears. Or does it rush to my eyes? Who knows? My body feels light, like I am in space.
I am waiting for the call of a lifetime- a call that every actor in Chennai, every actor in India waits for. Some admit it openly. Others pretend it doesn’t matter. But it does. Trust me. Short to deifying him, he is the god from who every actor waits for a call. And I, Kenny, aka Vikram, am going to be the hero of his film-a film that will be made not just in Tamil but also get a nationwide release in Hindi. What more could I ask for?
This is going to be my ticket to stardom. I can just feel it.
I know it’s him! My Mani Sir! I am so happy. My dream of many years is finally coming true!
I walk towards the phone almost in slow motion and pick up the receiver.
‘Hello?’
‘Vikram, this is Mala.’
My best friend!
‘Did you know that Mani Ratnam has signed Arvind Swamy as the hero for Bombay? It’s in all the Tamil magazines. What happened? I thought you were doing the film.'
Then one of my friend said, “Sridhar Sir is doing a movie and he is searching for a hero. Just go and see once”
So I went to AVM Studio and met Chitralaya Gopu.
He said “Tomorrow is the screen test.Come tomorrow.”
I remember, while taking a screen test, the cameraman said, “He has some deficiency. I don’t know what but .He may not suit.” But Sridhar sir was in Hurry and said, “Let it be. No problem. It’s okay”.
The only condition was that I should not have done any films before. I seriously thought that there was no way En Kaathal Kanmani would ever see the light of day and so I told Shridhar that his film would indeed be my first release.
He insisted me, “Tomorrow morning is the shooting. Come in the morning. Don’t miss”
How could I miss it?
That was the opening for me for with the movie ‘Thanthuvutten Ennai’.
Working with him was a great learning experience. He has a great camera attention and lighting sense. He has all those qualities naturally. Shridhar was a great believer in frames. So his camera was never still in that there were never any block shots. His camera constantly moved which meant that I had to be always aware of continuity and positions. Where was my left hand? What was in my right? Where was my co-star standing? He said, “You will emerge as a tremendous actor”.
Everyone felt that it was something like “Brahmashri in the mouth of Vashista”. Then only I realized there is saying so.
All that working experience with him really helped me in the later years. Till date, no one has ever pulled me up on continuity lags. Period.
As luck would have had it, just as Shridhar’s film neared completion, the bankers decided to release their film. Shridhar was shocked and angry at what he thought was my deliberate deception. Worse still, when his movie released, it was a complete washout and flopped big time.
In that movie the one and only one success I had got was fulfilling the faith that the director showed on me as an actor. Working with him was not so easy. One has to act well with right dialogues at the right scenes, he mentioned about it in a press meet.
Then I did a film “Kaaval Geetam” with S.P.Muthurn. Another veteran film-maker.
Another flop. Cinematographer P.C.Sreeram (Whom I had hoped to at least assist when my acting career was going nowhere and who couldn’t take me on because he had too many assistants already) called me for Meera after seeing me in the television ads, As the hero! He made his first directorial debut with me in the lead. I thought I would be a sensation after the film, but it did not quite work out like that. And the movie was disaster!
But I think that was the movie that made my face familiar in people’s hearts. But both films did not do well. I was confused and desperate. At the same time I did not have the heart to leave cinema. I was foxed. Mean while because of Meera, I got offers in from other languages too but I was firm about my decision .If it is in Malyalam I would work with big company or good director’s movie. That’s why I was able to work with directors like Shaaji Kailash, Joshi. I have got good role in Mommokha and Suresh Gopi’s films. I had decided that if it’s Telugu then any movies are okay except violent movies and mythological films.
So in this way money in Telugu, good roles in Malayalam and search for good roles in Tamil. This was my circumstance those days.
If you know what went wrong, you fix it. If you know you need to improve on something, you can. Every problem has a solution. In my case what befuddled all of us was the fact that none of us knew what went wrong.
Apart from my first film, I made films with the best banners. Best directors. Everyone acknowledged I was a talented actor. They said I had charisma. That I was a good dancer. That I had great screen presence. Most of the stories were pretty okay tool. I have always been lucky with music in my films. I was called the southern Shammi kapoor.
I had just about enough of the 9 to 5 corporate world at Lintas and a year later I quit. After four years, I finally started to walk without crutches. And the movie dream, the actor dream that had been temporarily relegated to the back-burner, came back to the fore with a bang. I started dreaming again.
I continued with stage performances and opportunity search. My mom used to tell me to take rest but I will make her silent by saying that my inner fire will burn me.
I met a gold medalist Rajeshwarirajan from the film institute at Madras. And she wanted me to do a TV serial for in a serial called “Galatta Kutumbam”. I had to act in 6 episodes out of 13.Among the artists were Srividhya Amma , A.R.S. Sri Ram. I had to play the role of boyfriend of a girl named Bijili. There were no dialogues but the director used to explain us the scene and we should speak accordingly. I thought she has one of the most original ideas in those times. She wanted to shoot the entire six episodes shot without pre-written dialogues. That is, she would explain the scene to us and ask us to improvise on the spot.
Basically, she asked us to go ape. And I did.
I was so easily broken into this new medium. The whole thing was so unlike a play. The shooting out of sequence I mean. That TV series really helped. This gave me a lot of confidence. I was sure I would surely get a chance for a movie.
I had also started doing many commercials in the meantime. Can you remember me in the add of “TVS Excel” where I say “TVS Excel” Namma Vandi (our vehicle), holding a cricket bat in my hand? Can you?
But one of the very first was a public service advertisement for drug addiction. The ad was produced jointly by the very prestigious Shivaji Productions and Satya Movies.
Shivaji Production’s Ram Kumar Sir, Satya Movies’ Tyagarajan Sir, A.R .Rehman( then he was Dileep ) and me together .And I got a chance to act in the Add. It would end with the message “Friend who gives you Drug is not your friend”. We shot the entire ad in one day. And that one-day was all I had to go from looking like a healthy stud to a completely worn-out drug addict who is the last stages of his life.
Now that was a huge challenge.
I didn’t quite know the difference between instinctive acting and method acting. And so wasn’t too sure how to approach the problem of looking like two completely different people in one day. So I sat in a corner and just psyched myself into believing that I was a hard-core addict. I repeatedly told myself that I was a lowlife druggie. Over and over again. And after an hour I ‘became’ that drug addict. It was a lesson well learned.
Sometimes you don’t even have to lose/gain weight to ‘look’ different. Your body language, the awkward gait, a stoop here, and suddenly a sturdy-looking guy will appear to be a weakling.
Tyagarajan Sir said, “Vikram! You have acted very well. I’ll call you for my movie.” and left. The producers claimed that one commercial right away established me as an actor to watch out for. So I hoped and waited for a break from the same producers who had been so positive and encouraging.
And absolutely no movies followed! Not even a phone call for the next six months.
Later I also did the advertisements for pepper, television. On the hand, the search for a chance continued. People would send me away saying ‘You are short’, ‘Face is too oval’, ‘you look like a doll’ and other things. Everyday I would look at my reflection in the mirror. He’s too short. His face is way too long. Very disproportionate with the rest of the body. Looks more like an animated figure than a real-life person. The love and appreciation from the film community was overwhelming.
But I waited. And waited.
Finally, Satya Movies called.
Remember my friend Dharani from college? He worked as an assistant direction in films and he called about this movie Nila Penne produced by Satya Movies with Divya Bharati as the female lead.
Dharani, ‘May Madam’ Balu, Actor Selva and I were in the same batch at Loyola. Arvind Swamy was my junior.
I went for the audition and thought I did pretty well.
Dharani came and told very confidently, “Machchan! You are gonna be okay. You will be selected sure”
Five to six months passed but I didn’t hear from them. What I didn’t know was that as actors we were supposed to follow up with these movie companies. My feeling was: I did a great audition. If I was good, they’d call me. And when I didn’t hear from them I just assumed they weren’t interested.
So I waited again. For the next break. And finally got an offer from a bank.
Don’t faint!
There were twenty-one employees from Indian bank who pooled in money. Out of them five people approached me and said, “We are all bank staffs and want to produce a movie.” After a cup of tea together I said, “Okay”.
And that’s how started a movie “En Kaathal Kanmani’’, a spoof on cigarette smoking.
What a joke the film was. I have a girl friend. Her father wants me to quit smoking and hires a detective agency to follow me around. All kinds of slapstick farce ensue. Buckets of water toppling over me! Cigarettes exploding in my face! But I agreed to do it any way. It was a film after all.
On the first day after the pooja I was at the shooting. Merely one hour into the shoot.
When I was at lunch break I got a call from Dharani: ‘Machchaan! Udane kizhambi vaa!! Neenthan Nila Penne’s hero!! (Come immediately. They have selected you as the hero of Nila Penne!).
But I couldn’t! My movie with the bankers had started and that was the first day of the movie. Having committed to them I couldn’t just drop everything and run to Satya Movies.
Explaining the situation I said, “I can’t”.
“Poda (get lost)” He kept the phone down.
My loss was another actor(Arvind Swamy)’s gain. Through Nila Penne didn’t exactly set the box office on fire, the actor (Arvind Swamy)was noticed and he even went on to work with Mani Ratnam!
And my film? Nothing ever went on schedule. We would shoot for three days and then there would be a break for three months. Another week of shooting followed and then a break of five months! The film took over two years to make. It did not complete. And at the end of it I didn’t even know if the film would ever be released. I was worried about my destiny.
Many times I thought I should stop this movie and go to ‘Nila Penne’ but on the other hand I was thinking, “Chee. Isn’t that cheating the people who’ve kept faith in me?”
It’s better to lose a film than to lose trust. Isn’t it..?
I had spent all my life thus far wanting to be a hero in films. And at that very second I know that that’s the way it was going to be. I just had to recover and leave the hospital. I literally willed septicemia out of my leg. No way…. No bloody way were they going to cut my leg like they did Vinod’s. Thus began my very long and arduous journey in the world of Tamil cinema. I know I would act. Leg or no leg, I knew I was going up on celluloid and I would act someday. As a hero. A top hero! I still feel that it was that manic urge to act that got me walking.
Unable to walk I will always think how I would be able to act in movies. When I asked Dr. Mohandas why I am not able to fold my legs he used to say with smile “You have your legs with and feel happy for it”.
Around that very life-changing moment I remembered that just a month back Sudha Chandran had acted in a movie called Nache Mayuri. Sudha Chandran lost her leg in some car accident and the doctors fitted her with the Jaipur foot. And that had become her USP in the world of cinema. A movie made on the tragic accident afforded her a direct entry into movies. I figured I would do the same. If need be I would fit myself with the same Jaipur foot and become an action hero in cinema.
With help of crutch I used to try to walk one full day and can move only up to 10 feet. I couldn’t even keep my legs down .If only I try the nerves would pull itself and start to ache. I asked my mom whether if I get rid of my legs would be able to manage with dummy legs like actress Sudhachandran. Just one slap. That too with a rapid speed. And that was the first and last she had hit me!
But even if I would never let my leg be amputated, I had a back-up plan all ready in case it did happen. Nobody knows what and how things really shaped up after that. But the doctors saved the leg. I willed them to. But I also lost four solid years of my life trying to make it work.
The doctors still tell me that I am a medical miracle. There’s no way I should be walking. Much less dancing and fighting and jumping all over the place in my films. These days my doc won’t even look at my leg and tell me what condition it is in. he says, ‘Someone up there is making it work. Let it be.’
I just knew that I would walk again. I had to. I wanted to be an actor, you see!
With crutch I managed one full year. Dr.Mohandas told I won’t be able to walk but the willpower in me dragged me to work for it. Since I wanted my dreams, to become an actor, to come true. Everybody used to mock at me hearing my aim but I simply ignored and continued with my goal of achieving the target I set. I was determined and was very strong in my decision.
I used to go to Loyola College with the crutch to write my exams. Everyone in the college had their attention towards me. I did not hear any sorry feelings among the noise of the crutch.
I was able to finish my studies amidst of such sufferings. Yep. I did my degree. I studied computers and worked for the same institute as a tutor for 2 months. They did not pay me but instead divert me when I try to ask them by offering a cup of coffee for me.
Afterwards I changed to stylish stick as actor Shivaji used to have in his movies. It took me 4years to walk properly without any aid.
In the fourth year of my accident I took up a job at Lintas as a copywriter. For a monthly stipend of 750 bucks. I would go to work on crutches every single day. Sometimes I walked an hour to work. Because that would toughen the leg. Even at Lintas I experienced the powers of big guys versus the small guys. The Lintas office in Madras was always saddled with the most down market of all campaigns. We ended up working on some vague and unknown insurance company or other such boring clients. The most happening campaigns always went to the Bombay office. Just that one time when MRF launched their new Zigma Radial tyres did we at the Madras office get to work on a ‘big’ campaign. Radial tyres signify safety. But no one really buys them because of the safety aspect. People buy them because they are sleek; they signify speed and a lot of panache. And my copy sort of worked on that. I came with some cool lines like, ‘Hug Curves. Flirt with Speed. MRF Zigma tyres.’ When Alyque Padamsee, the big man at Lintas, saw that I had written he was very impressed. He praised my work in the meeting. And once that was done, he simply shoved it to one side and showed us what he had come up with!
That was a major eye opener for me.
You may work hard, be the most talented but unless you are at the right place at the right time with the right people to support you, you get nowhere.
It was during this time that I met this fair, green-eyed girl who was to later become my best friend and wife. Shailaja. When I met Shailaja for the first time in a party, I was on crutches and jobless as well. Love at first sight! Albeit she had turned her face away. That was the first time in our life we were attending a party. And when she asked me what I did, I remember I said, ‘Nothing at the moment, but I am going to become a great actor.
I would ramble on and on to her about how I would make it very big! I talked about all the big houses I would buy. The cars. And in classic Shailaja style-she was studying to be a psychologist-she would retort, ‘Kenny, you have a disease called delusions of grandeur!’
That whole year was very simple: work, hospital, therapy, and that green-eyed girl who became my wife-Shailaja!
Some twenty-three surgeries on my mangled leg later, all I remember from those years is the pain, the constant unending pain.
And those cute nurses.
I was massively built those days and my legs were very weak.
I was in bed for three years after the accident, exercising and working out with the therapist. I won’t take any painkillers even when my mom makes fool that it is only B-complex tablets. I was afraid of the painkiller because it may weaken my strength and so I used to act normal when I have severe pain also.
The only things that kept my sanity were the cure nurses and the very cute patients and the cute girls who came to visit them and …..
Okay! So I am exaggerating a little.
But I was in bed for three years- three painful and agonizing years. There were days when I felt that it would have been so much better if they had just chopped off that leg. Each operation on the leg brought more pain, more therapy. I would try to get on my feet but fall. The leg felt like a lump of soft cotton-or is it soft wool?
But honestly, I have great memories from the hospital. With the major pain one side, without this I became the hero in the hospital I was. From many colleges like WCC, Stella marys and Ethiraj students used to come to act So, we all joined to make a group ands used to go to the British Council to perform a skit. This indeed cultivated good friendship among us.
Everybody used to come to the hospital in the evenings including Principal, Headmistress and all students. So, Vijaya hospital seemed to be like an evening college. Dr. Mohandas said no more to visitors since it would spread infection. But my friends used to come when the doctor has left the place.
I was like an exhibition piece. I guess I was always cracking jokes and laughing and the doctors were so pleased with my behaviour! Even in the room I used to practice “Upper body exercise” with lunch table. Other patients will always peep into my room. Dr. Mohandas used to bring other people who are so much afraid of little sprain. I was help up as a model patient and other patients were wheeled down to my bed and asked to ‘copy’ my good attitude!
Those nurses…. The pretty, pretty nurses and therapists who apparently bent over backwards to ‘service’ poor ol’ me… I was accused of making all those girls fall head over heels in love with me…. I wish! Reality was they were either my akkas(elder sisters) or kid sisters to me. Even in those times I will be very enthusiastic. I will rag the nurses by calling them sister and everyone became friends.
Every single morning the sisters would come to work and make a beeline for my bed, wish me first and only then go back and sign the daily roaster! And the very same sisters would act all stiff and severe when they came for the daily rounds with the doctors! I was so pampered by all of them! For my birthday they filled my room with cards and presents and one of them gave me a gift box which opened up to reveal another box inside and then another and then another. Finally, there was a tiny box on the inside, which revealed a pacifier! Apparently I was their little kid who needed taking care of!
I remember the pain but somehow don’t remember the pain, know what I mean? I had so much fun! And in many ways it was also a good training ground for me as an actor.
To digress a little…. All actors in the world, whether they admit it or not, always exploit real-life situations (especially tragedies) in their films. We actors go to some funeral and actually watch others and see how they react to the passing away of a near and dear one and store it away in some part of our brain. Only to draw on our resources and use that experience at some point in our acting. It is pathetic. I know. But really, that’s how it is.I guess I was having way too much fun despite all that happened.
It was around this very time that my distant relative showed up again at the hospital. The same guy with who I had shared my dreams and aspirations of making it as a hero in films. The docs were there. My mum was there. The doctors had just finished explaining to us that despite all the operation that had been performed and all the therapy, they cut the leg. And even then they only gave me a 40 percent chance of recovery.
Needless to say the doctors left behind them a stunned room. Mum left me alone for a second. I guess the moment was too much for her to handle. And this relative of mine pulled up a chair, came really close to me, reeked sincerity, looked at my mangled foot and said, ‘Recover from this, Kenny, and I will make you a hero!’
He knew that I probably would never walk again. Despite that he made the impassioned statement and walked out of the room.
I'm learning to love the people who are willing to love me at present. And trying to forget the people in the past and thank them for hurting me, which led me to love the people I have today!
myself. Losing out of Bombay was one of my biggest losses. It was the first time in my whole life that I did not sleep for a whole week.
