Part 55: It was my turn now. Lose a leg? Goddamnit!

What I felt agonizing pain in every part of my body. I really understood for the first time what people meant when they said that accidents make you discover bones you never know you had! I was bloody and sore from the very top of my head to tip of my toe. Or so it seemed. There were bandages all over my body and I caught more than a whiff of the sweet and cloying smell of chloroform mixed with tincture. Something was seriously wrong. I could tell. Especially with my right leg. I could see that all kinds of needles poked my body. Saline. Blood. Glucose. I tried to talk. I couldn’t. I was too numb.

Too tired. Too bloody. And too scared.

I am still not too sure how long I stayed at that hospital. I went to sleep and when I woke again, I was at a different hospital. I was now at Vijaya Nursing Home. And I could hear Mom fighting and arguing with someone.

‘No way. No bloody way is my son going to lose his leg. You cannot amputate his leg. I won’t let you.’

‘But ma’am. Try to understand, gangrene may set in. It might be very dangerous.’

‘No way! Gangrene or no gangrene. Why the hell do you think I transferred him from Royapettah to Vijaya? Because they wanted to cut off his leg. You can’t do this to him. I don’t care. How will he make it in life if he loses a leg….’

Lose a leg? Goddamnit! How…. Where…. What did she mean?

I was still drugged out of my wits but I realized that my life was about to change forever. Lose a leg? I know that I should have felt really upset or even worried about the prospect but some how I wasn’t. I just felt that it would all my positive thinking and I tell them it’s because of my blood group, which is B Positive!

Of course I was scared. And of course I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my leg. But why lose hope?

Having some wonderful friends helped. Friendship is very important in every one’s life. That’s the joy of life! If I say I’ve 3 best friends. Mala, Ramesh and Bina. If you ask why this friendship is very important. I’ll say from college days Ramesh is my close friend. There is not anything, which I don’t share with him whether it is good or bad, we debate, fight over few matters. He is a big critic. If he did not like he will say it very straight. If I did not like anything I too retort straight. So that’s why there will be fight. But every time we are very very close. Same way if he hears good new then “Superb da machan…. It’s very good etc and all he will say.

When doctor told that there was a need of B positive blood group Ramesh mobilized almost 75 percent of the college to the hospital. Or I felt so.? But Ramesh mobilized over thirty people overnight to donate blood the day after my accident. He didn’t even know whether they have B positive blood group or not but still he brought and out of them few people had Jaundice. They came and went, filling tears in their eyes saying that they cannot donate blood.

Such a deep and close friend Ramesh is now he is in a very high post in a very reputed company.

If I say about Mala, I met her in the same hospital in 1987 at Vijay Hospital she would bring the new variety of food every single day because my Mum was with me at the hospital the whole time. Her mother used to prepare and Mala used to bring. Sometimes they don’t even get it but for me she always used to bring. In all those 3 years it was none other Mala who was bringing the lunch for me. We got to know each other at the hospital. But since those days she did not expect anything from me. I don’t know because of this reason we became such best friends?

Till today when I am free I don’t want to go outside. I want to be at home. If I go out then I’ll go to Mala’s home. Such a close friend she is! And very special thing is the unconditional friendship! A friendship without any expectation! Till today she did not expect anything from me like I should thank her or call her or to talk to her etc but she is always there for me.

And one more special thing is her husband has also become very close to us. He has become like a brother.

Every time friendship will normally change after the marriage. But our friendship did not change instead it became much stronger. Rajath has become much more close and their kids too.
How Ramesh criticizes me, same way Mala never criticizes me at all. Even if my films fail she says, ‘You did well. Director did not do well or the producer did not do the publicity well’. So and so. She always supports me. So in life like these both are important. One is progressive and protective friendship. These are friends for life-people who did stuff and expected nothing in return. Even today they are like that.

Mala is a housewife. Bina is also a housewife and does interior designing. Bina will be silent always. I normally don’t talk to her a lot but she will always be a good friend.

There was another patient in the hospital who was admitted about the same time I was. His first name was Vinod. Actually, so is mine. He had badly injured his right leg in an accident. So had I. It was so weird because everything that happened to me happened to him and vice versa. If he had pain in his leg, so did I. If he got fever, I would too. It was uncanny. So, when gangrene finally set in his right foot, it did in mine too! Then the doctors told me that Vinod was to be discharged in another month’s time and I was so happy. I knew that I would also be discharged sometime then. The month came and went and Vinod was discharged. Except that by the time he was released, septicemia has set in and the doctors had amputated his right leg.


It was my turn now!


**********************

Part 54: I knew I would be that 'one' in ten thousand who would make it!

Such a brat I was in child hood who used to do a lot of mischief. I have been scolded in my house for my hyperactivity.

Since I was doing a lot of mischief in my house my dad sent me off to Yercaud Boarding School a sylvan hill station in the Shevaroy hills near Salem. It was great there. It was so nice at boarding school.

One day I was late for school. The gate was closed. I thought this to be a good excuse and went late to the school. The gates would have been locked by that time and thus I used to cut classes. I was caught in the act one day and I was soundly beaten in my house. I was beaten up for not grooming, for not using oil or for not polishing shoes.

But right from my childhood I wanted to act. Right from my third standard I started to act. Those times we just used simply used to stand as background, as soldier, you know. I acted as small Negro girl for team board when I was at third standard. In that play we had to sing a song but as per my knowledge I didn’t sing. I was simply standing, holding my mom’s hand. They had put the make up of black vegetable on my face. After that fourth, fifth and sixth standards I used to act. But yeah, after eight I really stared to do good roles I mean different roles like the way I am doing now a day, you know. If I had to play Julius Caesar, I don’t prefer, instead I preferred to play Brutus and Cachou. Julius Caesar is boring, you see.

Till the eighth, I was first in studies and from the eighth; I was last in the class since I was obsessed with films I was always on the move. I used to do lots of things just for preparation towards being in the movies then I started coming in the last five ranks. If there were 45 students I would be 40 to 45. I never used to go less then 40. My fanaticism for cinema made me one among the last five!

I climbed trees, went on long hikes, participated in sports and of course there was acting! I used to doodle, I used to imagine, I only practiced all my sports and music because I wanted to know how to play instruments in movies.

I wanted more, more, and more. And then some more! I even tried learning horse riding, but the horse never got along with me.

I used to be in all the sports team in the school, well, most often as a substitute. But, I was the champion when it came to boxing and swimming. I even tried learning Bharatanatyam after watching Kamal in ‘Salangai Oli’. Hey, don’t ask me to dance now!

I tried almost al instruments. If you watch, in movies the hero or the heroine hits the tennis ball, it goes somewhere else. We see so many heroes and heroines like that and also while playing guitar without using the code they just play in an adverse way. That’s not their fault too. Actually the reason is lack of knowledge. That’s why I learnt and experimented every instruments a little bit, I mean the basic knowledge so that it would help me when I turn as an actor in the near future.

I play a little guitar, I play piano, trumpets, trombone except violin. We had music classes but I have not tried the violin since the few times that I have tried it, I had all the children run away, the animals used to run away, the dogs, the cats etc.

We used to admire Kamal Hasaan acting. Those days I did not know that he also belong to the same place where I am, ParamaKudi .But we used to follow his styles. When we grow up it turned towards Robert Di Nero. Sylvester Stallone was my first craze. Robert Di Nero is my all-time favorite due to the variety of roles that he used to play. Still, I was crazy about Stallone because he was such a stud! I was into boxing then and I even took pictures of myself with my gloves on. I thought I even looked a little bit like him.

At Yercaud, I honed my skills in acting. I did a lot of stage. The weird thing was I totally sucked at Tamil then. I was so obsessed with films that, if I had to fetch a ball, I would jump over a wall instead of walking around, thinking it would help me in films later! All my acting was in English. I remember once in class my Tamil teacher wanted to know what the opposite of the word ‘nambikkai’ meaning ‘belief’ was. From being this major loser who never answered in Tamil class, for the first time I jumped up and raised my hand. I answered ‘thumbikkai’. I don’t know why. The word just sounded right and I automatically assumed it out, ‘thumbikkai’ means an elephant’s trunk! Ironical, isn’t it? The teacher gave me a sound thrashing. From that moment I started to hate him!

I am a Tamil actor now and one of the most praised aspects of my acting is that my Tamil is very good! I speak it well. But I still think in English.

Love..? Nope! I didn't fall in love with anyone. Na romba pavam( I am so innocent), you know..

Okay, I was just joking.

When we were in our Class IX. We used to have drama competitions in school. The best team got a chance to perform in the nearby girls’ school. We wanted to do well for that reason alone! Shh! We used to win it almost every time.


My first love was over my 6th class Math’s teacher Ms. Wilson who ticked me off for bullying someone after which I was so good. When she married a white man, I became very sad. There was this girl Rekha in my school with braces and ponytails and glasses. Suddenly after a summer break, she turned up with her hair like Princess Diana, her glasses and braces were gone and I flipped. I started to love her and I wrote a very romantic letter .After a lot of hesitation, I became bold enough to give my love letter to her. Since I expressed my love in stutters, I did not see the girl in front and when I wrongly said "I love you" to her friend, she got wild! She was my first love. My first ever love letter was addressed to her. But she said 'No' to my love by saying that she wants to concentrate on studies.

Life itself is loveable. I love life. I love beauty, nature. I love everything. In fact what I feel now is, there can not be life without love. Everyone loves in one way the other. Okay if we think that I don’t fall in love at all and would go for an arranged marriage then also the husband and wife should fall in love because love is so beautiful experience.

Okay! Let me come back. Then I got into college-English literature at Loyola in Madras. Makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean here I was, already acting as Marc Antony and Shylock- I had to study English literature. I know I would probably be the only graduate actor in Tamil cinema who has studied English literature!

College was wonderful. I did a lot of stage there as well. My future was clearly mapped out. Once I graduated I would get into Tamil cinema. At Loyola I met another madcap movie maniac who would become my friend for life. Ramani Aka Dharani. What a wonderful actor he was. But he wanted to be behind the camera and create movies while I wanted to be in front of the camera. Together we planned to take the state by storm.

Also, my one ticket into the big, bad world of Tamil cinema was a distant relative of mine who was in Tamil films. Right through my childhood and youth, I spent my holidays at his house, telling him about my desire to be an actor. And he would always tell me that he would launch me as a hero when the time was right. In fact he had asked me to come by and dub one line for a film of his. It was a wedding scene where he was the hero. A sentry walks inside the room and says, ‘Saab, you are wanted at the warfront!’ I dubbed that one line and was in cinematic heaven. When I saw the movie I couldn’t hold back the rush that I felt. Little ol’ me whose voice was on the big screen! I felt connected to the world of films. I would have given anything to be able to play the role of even that sentry in the film. The same relative of mine had promised that he would launch me as a hero one day.

I looked like a ‘Chocolate Boy’ at that time. So I acted in jingles or whatever chance came my way. But the chance to act in cinema did not come. Still life was so good then, so full of hopes and desires.

And that night was no different from any of the others. A bunch of us had just finished performing a play called Black Comedy at IIT-Madras. We put on an awesome show. The applause was deafening. I knew then that I was definitely on the right path towards making it as an actor. And I felt that I could make it. Of course the odds were all against it. One in maybe every ten thousand gets even one moment to themselves on-screen. It’s all very well to dream. Making it happen is an entirely different ball game altogether. But I knew I would be that ‘one’ in ten thousand who would make it.

I was young.

I was trained.

I had learnt dancing, Karate, Horse riding.

I was ready.

And arrogant.

And raring to go.

And there was no one to stop me.

There was a near-deafening roar as we made our way back home. Everyone was singing, yelling, screaming… I would make it somehow. I just knew I would.

And the

...........................!!!!

...........................!!!!

SCREEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!

The next thing I know or remembered was that I was at Royapettah hospital.


******************

Part 53: I don’t know when it all started. This love for acting!

The Vikram Story

The phone rings.

Sometimes I feel like I represent every cliche in the world. Very promptly my heart thuds. I am so excited. Blood rushes to my ears. Or does it rush to my eyes? Who knows? My body feels light, like I am in space. I walk towards the phone almost in slow motion and pick up the receiver.

‘Hello?’

I am waiting for the call of a lifetime- a call that every actor in Chennai, every actor in India waits for. Some admit it openly. Others pretend it doesn’t matter. But it does. Trust me. Short to deifying him, he is the god from who every actor waits for a call. And I, Kenny, aka Vikram, am going to be the hero of his film-a film that will be made not just in Tamil but also get a nationwide release in Hindi. What more could I ask for?

This is going to be my ticket to stardom. I can just feel it. Mani Ratnam has tested me for the lead role in Bombay. He has liked me enough to go ahead and shoot the pre-publicity photos, which normally means that you are the hero of the film. I think. Of course there was a bit of a mishap the day before at the still-photos shoot. Normally I am so comfortable be an actor. But somehow, for someone who feels so comfortable acting on stage and acting on screen, I can never quite get a grip on these photo shoots. I never know which way to look, what expression to pull out of a hat, and how to ‘hold’ on to that expression. In front of a movie camera, when the director says ‘action’, I can barely hold myself back. I mean, I can cry, get mad and fell pain. At will. But in a photo shoot, where I have to ‘hold’ on to a feeling, I never can manage. Being fluid is easy. Being still has always been and still is so bloody hard. And I think it shows, for Ratnam seemed a little put out at my not-so-good photo shoot. But hey, what the hell! One bad photo shoot will not change anything. Of course not. But again…. Will it? No way. It will be okay. But….”

I don’t know when it all started. This love for acting. The desire to perform. May be I was born with the urge. Cinema is in my blood. My father too is an actor. He has performed in about 5 films. My dad ran away from home. Only because he had that manic urge to be an actor. He still is such an incredibly good-looking guy. But in those days, when he wanted to make it, the film industry was monopolized by Sivaji and MGR, and dad found it so hard to get a break. Maybe watching him set me off! Who knows? I was interested in cinema at a very young age. At that time, my fantasies were that my films would run in theatres, I would earn a lot of money, would buy a sports car, go around everywhere and such.

All I know is that eve as a callow youth I dreamt of being the swashbuckling knight in shining armor who would ride black stallions and sweep away all those beautiful women off their feet. Yeah…women! And the money! And the sports cars! Getting mobbed on the streets for autographs! Top producers queuing up outside my home for dates! Huge cut-outs and hoardings lording it all over the state. Getting gossiped about in film magazines! Sharing screen space with all the big stars I idolized and admired.

Moreover, I could be so many different people. I could be a beggar. A poet. A warrior. A roadside Romeo. A street-side goonda. A villain with bad teeth. Just imagine: All the opportunities to be so many different people and get paid for it as well! Different people. One life. What other place in this world would give me an opportunity like the moves? To top it all, you can do all of the above and claim you were in it only for the art and actually get away with it!

What a beautiful life, the life of an actor seemed to me.

**************************

Before moving ahead...

My special thanks to.....

Kenny and Selvi : For being in very special place in my heart as heart beats and for staying there since last six years without paying any rent . I know you are not going to vacate the place easily. Please don�t do so because I know if you leave you will leave the place broken. The whole series 'The dumb ideas of mine in silence and darkness! 'is dedicated to both of you. To the very special people of my life.

Roopa Swamynathan( Star dust) : for an extensive study of Kenny and for being one of the source.

Vasanth senthil( Puthiya parvai), Ramani (Ananda Vikatan), Ms. Nirmala, Ms Sathya Senthil: For you co operation

Though it was not an extended version in the beginning, through various researches I spent almost 8 months mentally with it to get a feel of Kenny and wrote down all those incidents.

Why is that? One of the main reasons I did a research about him and spend so much of time on this message and on his struggle was, having read or written about the art of so many celebrities I really could not feel that there could be yet another awe inspiring story which is absolutely real, especially a saga of one of the great human being among us. Originally I had thought of not sharing the whole msg � The dumb ideas of mine in silence and darkness!�. with anyone but I could not be so selfish. I thought it would be a big loss if I did not share. I hope this profile of Kenny will allow you to discover him personally and his story as it will provide the inspiration to everyone who believes in himself and also sets fire within them who does not believe in themselves.

Chiyaan Vikram, who is very popular today because of his huge hits and different appearance, did not make it to this height easily. The story of Vikram's rise from a struggling actor to award-winner itself has all the dramatic ingredients of a film. It has passion, drama, pain, tears and finally smiles and accolades.

It is a story that takes one's breath away! A story that is out of the way! His life then and now. How did it start? How long did it take before the happy ending? It is an awe inspiring jaw-dropping story of a man, his courage, and his determination to make it. Against all adds in the face of immense humiliation, his struggle of fifteen years to get to the top. A story that justified why so many people leave everything family, wealth, privilege only to follow their dream of making it in tinsel town.

Part 52: The dumb ideas in silence and darkness!

‘I know you can’t. Tell this moment I didn’t even weep at any moment, you know! I was so determined. The things, which happened with me, were hard pills to swallow. How will you know all these things? I don’t think I was wrong because death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is when the good dies inside us while we are alive?’ After a pause I continued, ‘Or Am I alive? I am taking breath; blood is flowing in me still I don’t feel I am alive. Am I? Due to the silence of talk, loneliness of friends I am all alone in the crowd. Am I alive? In the silence of darkness I’m searching for someone who is mine, in his nature who is divine! I’ve completely lost myself. Am I alive?’

He stopped me for a while and replied, ‘I can understand but don’t forget. Joke over your troubles but gather strength from them. Have fun with difficulties but over come them. Laugh at your mistakes but learn from them! That’s life!’

‘Life?? Life itself has become a joke here. How easily you said that joke over your troubles. How would you know the value of relationships? How would you know the value of feelings? For you cinema must be just a fashion. That’s why you can take rest for years and come back when you want. It doesn’t make any difference for you .The cliché you said just looks good only in the books. Not in real life. Everything is commercialized here. Even in your industry everyone will not get the equal importance. There are so many people who are still behind the scenes in spite working very hard. Most of the times it’s only the hero who gets the credit even though he takes hundreds of retakes for each shot and troubles a lot. They still rule because they are star sons. I hate this injustice and oppose it. I don’t understand why so many people leave everything family, wealth, and friends to join an industry where it’s very hard to make it and should remain an outsider or an extra? Why don’t they just leave it? It is the most uncertain life. It is just crash course because it’s so short lived. Worst thing is the people who are stars simply forget this fact and behave, as they are here to rule for 1000 years.

The producer has to pay everybody, nobody works for free. Cine industry is place where there’s a kind of festival everyday. Producer pays people to come to work, to eat, to run home from work. He even pay for the holidays when they are not working. Everybody is overpaid. If the returns are is not good enough, then how will this cycle continue?

And especially in the industry, the filmmaker does not get anything. The crooks like the cable and video pirates, the middlemen like the distributors, exhibitors are the ones who earn maximum from the movie. Those who work hard create it; get very less in terms of returns. The poor producer puts in his money to realize others dreams, his dreams remain just that dream. And at the end of the day, the hardly gets a good profit!

What do you know about the struggle of producer who suffers a heavy loss when his films fail? What do you know about the pain of those extras who struggle to make it big in their life since years? What do you know about those dubbing artists or the people who are dumped within the dark rooms? How would you come to know about their pain? I don’t find anyone in the industry who may come unto my expectation. These actors are only greedy about money. They are not here to perform. They just want money and fame not the dedication. They are not even modest or don’t know how to respect others.

If those actors have achieved such success that is because of public and they treat the same public and far as outsiders.

All stars are here just to gain stardom. Nothing else.

How would you come to know the agony of depression? What do you know about the feeling of pain? How would you came to know what is despair? How would you come to know the depth of wound when the people who you trusted hurt you? What do you know? Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches not the people like you!’

My words were not less the stroke of a whip. The man, who’s simple minded like a child in his ordinary mood, took my words seriously and got very much agitated in mind.

Or I felt so?

But he fell in characteristically quiet. He looked almost quiet and upset. Without this knowledge I was just seeing the book that was in my hand. Just I had turned few pages then I noticed him. I understood. The only way to get him out of the blue was by taunting him about his future plans.

‘Hey! Don’t take words so serious. Hey, don’t you have any idea of directing the movie?’

He was still quiet. It looked like his mind was wavy. I thought he got angry and doesn’t want to talk to me.

I know how it feels I agree. It was completely wrong of me to do that and I felt sad about it. I was impulsive and rash at that point of time. And in that heat of the moment, I did not think before speaking, my wounds were still fresh. But it was that how much even I could take. I just turned my attention towards the book. I had just turned a page!

‘Anda Aaasai En Adimanasula Irukku!’ (I too have that desire deep in my heart…!)

Suddenly when I heard so, I turned back. He’s still sitting there silent. Once again I turned my attention towards the art.

‘Dhool’ shooting! The area was fraught with activity, what with Police cars plying at top speed, Policemen running here and there. On the road that leads to Mahabalipuram, in the midnight, Vikram was busy beating up a group of men alongside the sea. A thrilling action sequence!!

The man with a crude moustache and hefty muscles is absolutely transformed once the shot is over and calmly settles himself in the grass.

With 24 films in hand, the man is working day and night. ‘Tomorrow, after a light nap at home, I have to fly to Switzerland. I am shooting for a song with Jyothika.’

‘Isn’t the moon beautiful today?’

I just turned when I heard the voice from my back.

Are! He is sitting very next to me. I asked, ‘Hey! Here in this line you mean the song Aasai Aasai right?’

‘Yeah, you know something?’

I nodded my head, ‘Nothing.’

‘I just love that song. We shot the song at 6 in the morning, you know! We had lots of fun while shooting the song at Switzerland.’

‘When you are saying I must believe.’

‘In fact I’ve kept the same ring tone on my cell.’

‘Hey by the way when you are going to act with Shankar?? I heard that you are the hero of his next project ‘Robo’. Is it?’

‘Really? Now only I came to know about it when you said.’ He started to giggle.

I smiled back at him.

‘And what about my favourite Mani Ratnam? You must act with him. That’s my wish! It was because of Mani Ratnam I mean because of his Bombay movie. I started to watch Tamil movies, you know and I love the song ‘Uyire’ a lot.’

Now he looked in a different world. A world of his own! I felt like he wanted to say something. I could feel it. I was holding the book in my hand, very curiously to read the art. On the other hand, he was in front of my eyes in a deep thought. There was a deep silence between us for few seconds. There was only he and I, sitting on the seashore, as we were about the share the dumb ideas in silence and darkness.

Till the date I don’t know what exactly happened in the next two hours.. Whether I’d experienced his feelings or whether he shared his feelings with me? Whether I completely lost myself or completely lost in him and in his feelings…?

Two hours!!!

And what emerged is a story that takes one's breath away! A story that is out of the way! His life then and now. How did it start? How long did it take before the happy ending? It is an awe inspiring jaw-dropping story of a man, his courage, and his determination to make it. Against all odds in the face of immense humiliation, his struggle of fifteen years to get to the top. A story that justified why so many people leave everything family, wealth, privilege only to follow their dream of making it in tinsel town.

A story that fulfilled the touch, which was required for my story ‘Sparsham!’

I just started to look at the book.

On the other hand here, Vikram goes into the flashback mode.

****************************

Part 51: Let's make things better?

Except the light of three candles there was no other light inside the hall. I realized that there was no power. On the other hand it was so scorching inside though it was November. He was ventilating by using a book so that I could feel good. I just moved and stopped him for a while by taking the book by his hand and said, ‘No need of taking any trouble for me. It’s okay.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah.’

He saw the knife on the table. Fruits were far away from the knife. He asked me if I wanted to eat.

I said, ‘If I want to eat, I will eat.’

Now giving the water bottle to me he asked me if I wanted to drink

I said, ‘If I want to drink, I’ll drink and if I want to leave I’ll leave.’

He just sat there and imitated just the way I had said it soon I began to laugh.

‘So you wanted to laugh, so you laughed?’

‘Not really. But you made me to laugh.’

He rubbed his palms and said, ‘Ishhhh.. It feels so nice... Thank you. Thank you!’

‘Why thanks?’

‘In this life it’s very easy to cry but not so easy to laugh. It feels so nice that I was able to make you to laugh.’

After few seconds silence he questioned, ‘Why you wanted to leave the world?’

I blankly looked at his face. My letter was in his hand. He might have read it already and that’s why might be asking I felt.

‘Sometimes it’s far better to leave than to live.’

‘Athaa yea.. ..(That's what I'm asking.. why)?’

‘The next person to ask me this question will have a broken jaw!’

He provoked me further just to irritate me and I in return throw the pillow I was hanging on. Then I tried to take the letter by his hand. Nodding his head, ‘No. At least let me use this letter as fan!’

I just somehow wanted to take the letter by his hand. That’s why I said, ‘I think its better to go out for a while. I feel sweating.’

‘Yeah, you are right. Let’s go.’ He opened the door and stepped out. I locked the door and a book along with me so that later if needed I could use it as fan. Both of us moved towards the beach, which is very close to our home.

On the way I broke the ice between us ‘Hey, Kenny! .I just couldn’t understand that how did you come inside when the door was not open? But thank God you came or else same thieves would have come. I am fortunate.’

‘Come on! If the door was not open how could I enter? I saw it open so I entered. And I’m also a thief who steals heart.’

‘Yeah, I agree and by the way, you really look very cool.’

‘Thank you!’

I could see his face blushing.

He continued, ‘And in the movie I’m playing the role who is very handsome.’

‘Is that so? Which role?’, I asked curiously.

‘A role of an undertaker!’ He started to chuckle.

I replied with a smile, ‘Got it, you can make people to go crazy even beyond the glamour. And it looks like you have decided to rock again with one more hit.’

‘I’m a struggler. I need a hit again. I’m not a star!’, he said

If there was a grain of disguised vanity there, I missed it.

Both of us sat on the boulder. Unseasonable weather had cooled the weather outside.

‘Kenny! Everyone was saying that you might get national award for the role. What do you think?’

‘In between the shots Bala used to remind me about it. As he said and you say, if I get, I will be happy.’

‘I hope you get it.’

There was almost few minutes’ silence between us. Breaking the silence between us he questioned me. ‘Why did you decide to end your life?’

I straightaway looked at his face and nodded, ‘ Sorry I don’t want to tell.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t state personal things with anyone. Sorry!’

‘Why? Just assume that I am your friend and say, nah?’

‘Hey! Come on. I don’t even know you in person and you want me to share my personal things with you?’

‘Oh!’

‘Look, Kenny. I am not open to every person who comes in my way because experience has taught me that the more I reveal the more I open myself to attack. I’m an introvert who doesn’t have any feelings. That’s why I don’t feel like saying anything.’

‘Oh, I hope you don’t sue me.'

‘What do you mean? Why shall I?’

‘Nothing. Me too an introvert. Don’t talk much. I will be silent always.’, He paused for a while and giggled, then continued, ‘I’m just kidding, okay? I talk a lot. If I get start I will get sit on your head. I’m very friendly.’

‘May be but I’m not and what do you mean by sit on the head? It’s not so easy for anyone to become close with me. I am reserved kind of a person.’

‘And someone who doesn’t want to face things?’

I looked at his face, ‘What do you mean? You mean, I am an escapist?’

‘Or else why did you take such a decision?’, Question was straight to my face.

‘I know that you are coming back to the same point, which I don’t want to tell and you don’t think that I am an escapist okay? You don’t know anything about me”

‘Yes until and unless you tell, how can I?’

‘But why shall I tell all those to you? What’s the use?’

‘At least I can understand or try to make them little better.’

I looked at him and kind of cracked the whip. ‘Better? Haha. There is nothing remained to make better. After all what you can do? Tell me what you can give??? My Sir’s familiarity? My lecturer Shiv’s intimacy? My senior Shivanand’s closeness? My college Rao’s future? My guide Kishanji’s lost life? My happiness? Lost hope? Shattered dreams? Broken beliefs? Faded feelings? Tell me what and all you can bring back? Tell me!’

He was speechless.


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Part 50: He walked in when rest of the world walked out!

I don’t know whether you may or may not be able to resist a patronizing nod or an ‘Oh really?’ smile for the incident which happened in my life that night. First I thought it was just a dream but it was not I can still feel it!

I became conscious when someone sprinkled water on my face and tried dab my cheek very softly to bring me back to consciousness. I tried to react and slowly open my eyes but still felt like the seen around me circumgyrating.

There was probably just blink of an eye in between the most depressed moment and the sinking feeling. In that flash, I heard the rattle of death within me and he was in front of me as to black out that spasm.

I could not see his face clearly bear in mind, as I was too tired and was able to see just a glimpse of him before I closed my eyes. I don’t know from where he appeared suddenly. What I remember is he was sitting before me at a little distance. He was in a cloth of the colour of pure snow. Looked like a cherub.

His face reminds of someone who? Who??? That unassuming face! I have seen him before but where?

??????
Oh my ..!!! Was it Paramhamsa (The master of Swami Vivekananda)?

The thought itself was bristling one. Was he??

Cannot be but why?

Just because of the scarf tied on his forehead!

Was it Lord (Shirdi )Sai baba?? Oh my! I was not able to judge categorically. But I have seen that babyish face.

I tried to open my eyes slowly and look at him. His face before such a calm and screne expression of inwardness born of indifference to all things that I was amazed and felt drawn towards him. He moved towards me slowly and eyes stead fastly fixed on me as if he wanted to say something. But I was seized with fear and could not keep quiet. I tried to speak but could not. I was just able to realize that. I was on a couch and he is sitting very next to me and blandishing my hair. That caress (touch) was so soothing.

His face was so familiar. But I couldn’t recollect his name. I was almost about to ask who are you? But as a surprise he questioned, ‘Hi, Hari! How are you?’

When I was about to ask, ‘Who are you?’, he asked, ‘How are you?’ I don’t know how but suddenly a flash in my mind.

Oh my God! I couldn’t believe the mystifying fact of my life.

‘Oh my God!!! Kenny! Is it you?’

A smile on his face, ‘Yeah, Hari. It’s me!’

‘Oh God .I can’t believe this. It’s like a dream.’

Just a smile was his answer in that silence.

But still I stopped him for a while and questioned him below my breath, ‘Did I call you or speak to you? Why did you come here?’

‘Did I come here without any reason? I felt you called me. And I wanted to see you. That is why I came.’

‘Really? Did I?’ I fell in cogitation.

I was just able to realize that the exhaustion was so great that I was unable to precede a single step further. I cannot say whether I had lost consciousness altogether for sometime then.

I could not understand anything. I found him in a strange mood. He spoke something indistinctly to himself, looked steadfastly at me. I thought another strange scene was going to be enacted. Scarcely had I thought so when he placed his right palm on my forehead, and immediately I had a wonderful experience. I saw with my eyes open that all the things in the room together with the walls were rapidly whirling and receding into an unknown region, and my “I sense” together with the whole universe was, as it were, going to vanish in an all devouring great void. I was then overwhelmed with a terrible fear. I knew that the destruction of the ‘I sense’ was death; so I thought that death was before me, very near at hand, unable to control myself, I cried out loudly, saying, ‘Ah! What is it you have done to me? I have my parents, you know!’

Laughing loudly at my words, he said, ‘Just before few minutes before taking the unusual step of ending your life why did not you think so?’

I was dumbstruck.

With a sweet smile on his face he touched and slowly dabbed on my left cheek by his palm and said, ‘I had to remind that feeling and that’s why I did so let it cease now.’

I was amazed to see how that extraordinary experience of mine vanished as quickly as it had come when he touched me in this manner, speaking those words. I came to the normal state and saw things inside and outside the room standing still as before.

All this took place in a trice, causing so many questions in my mind. The critical and reflective youth that I was, I tried my best to understand how an apparently babyish man could overwhelm my mind and refashion it like a ball of clay could it be mesmerism or hypnotism, of which I had read very much? It could not be, because I was proud of my own intelligence and strong will, and I had.


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